Tried on my band jacket from junior and high school days
I’ve wrestled much with feeling like I can’t quite keep up, can’t “be there” for others like I used to be able to do or like my true heart wants me to be able to do. I’ve felt guilty at times while other times I’ve felt selfish or greedy with my time or my energy. Then, there have been moments when I’ve felt frustrated, or almost angry, with the needs around me, blaming others, and still in other moments, I’ve become distant and non-involved, coming across as disinterested or unavailable.
The truth I’ve come to realize lately is that my life is different than it used to be. My work demands more of me compared to my previous employment, more time spent at work and also spent driving to and from the office, in addition to more energy spent helping people as a big part of my job tasks. Ultimately, I have less time and less energy to spread around during my non-working hours, and I feel sad and angry about it.
Combine this reality with the sheer fact that I’m older each day than I’ve ever been before, and I then come face to face with my limitations. This is humbling to me in many ways, and I’m finding that it is requiring me to show much grace to and patience with myself. It also demands of me to take care of my health, emotional, mental, physical, social, and spiritual.
I’m thankful for family and friends who love and accept me as I am, who understand my limitations sometimes better than I do myself and who encourage to do what I need to do to be healthy and to be who I truly am, living the best I can everyday to be my authentic self. I’m grateful for patience with me and persistence in relationships when I don’t have much to give. God’s grace and mercy are brought to life to me through these precious people who love me in the midst of everything I am and everything I’m not able to be.
I am abundantly blessed as I begin this new trip around the sun. As I say so often, no person is poor who has friends (It’s a Wonderful Life), and family.
This Christmas season is shorter than usual, since Thanksgiving fell so late in November. For persons like myself who can’t really think about one holiday until the one prior to it is complete, I’ve been stretched thin with time and the amount of things I want/need to do.
Of course, I’ve read so many social media posts about enjoying the season for what it is, about slowing down and taking it all in, and so forth. It’s true and I’ve tried to embrace that, and to simplify.
One thing I did was decide to ask for help with my “normal” chores (dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms…). I asked one of my nieces to help, and she and her husband came 3 days ago and did just that. It eased my mind so so much (and my ceiling fans haven’t been that white since we moved in here 7 years ago!). Thank you to each of them!!!
I had arranged for them to come about 10 days ago, so that left my mind and time a little freer to shop for Christmas and to decorate the house. Even those “to-do’s” were simplified for me this year as I gave myself permission to have limits to my shopping, cutting myself off after a certain day, and putting boundaries around my decorating, telling myself I would decorate until a particular day and then quit, giving myself permission to skip using some decorations, throw away some old ones, and to do the decorations differently so that my stress level dropped.
Some would still tell me I did too much or I didn’t need to do anything at all to decorate. However, I realized more than ever this year, as I intentionally chose what to use and how to decorate, that there are a lot of rituals surrounding my Christmas decorating. It’s like a liturgy for me that encompasses many emotions surrounding the holidays.
As I decorate, I use many items that were given to me from family who have long since passed on to the next life. I am reminded of them and of my grief in being apart from them, but there is a joy encompassed by the ritual of using these items and taking the tender time and care to place them on the tree or around my home. Memories visit me as well as a visceral sense of the presence of these dear loved ones.
The loves of my life, my children, husband, and now grandchildren, even long-time friends, also propel me forward as I decorate with them in my mind and heart. I place ornaments we’ve given to our children each year, ones given to us from loved ones and friends or even co-workers, and one that our granddaughter made for us a week ago, and it is like a sacrament for me.
It should go without saying, but I’m saying it anyway in case anyone questions, that Christ is at the center of all of this for me. I even prayed for guidance to know what to set aside for this year and what could I throw away. This time of year has always been sacred to me, but with each year, it’s more and more apparent to me how each precious item and how I spend my time during this Holy season is all a liturgy in my life that serves to ground me more deeply in Christ, in love, in hope, in faith, and in joy.
All that to say, I do the decorating for me. It’s a form of my self-care, and my soul-care, that can only be practiced during Advent every year.
A sweet song from Amy Grant was brought to my mind as I typed this, so I share it here with you. May it impact you as it has me all these many years of my journey through the Christmases of my life:
Heirlooms – Song by Amy Grant ‧ 1983
Up in the attic, Down on my knees. Lifetimes of boxes, Timeless to me.
Letters and photographs, Yellowed with years, Some bringing laughter, Some bringing tears.
Time never changes, The memories, the faces Of loved ones, who bring to me, All that I come from, And all that I live for,
And all that I’m going to be. My precious family Is more than an heirloom to me. Wisemen and shepherds,
Down on their knees, Bringing their treasures To lay at his feet. Who was this wonder,
Baby yet king? Living and dying; He gave life to me. Time never changes,
The memory, the moment His love first pierced through me, Telling all that I came from, And all that I live for,
And all that I’m going to be. My precious savior Is more than an heirloom to me. My precious Jesus
For quite a while now, I’ve not felt I had words to give my thoughts about many things. Clarity has been elusive. My prayers have been cries to God over everything from war in the Middle East to people being persecuted by the very church they’ve served faithfully for years to the challenges being faced by people all over the world due to race, gender, orientation, cultures, religious views, and so forth to my own very personal spiritual questions that have arisen as I studied the Bible solely through the lens of its cultural context. In the midst of all of this that has caused me so much internal searching, there has been a very external challenge added to the life of our family the last six months that has also brought me to crying out to God with groans at times that only the Spirit could understand and interpret.
I can now safely say, though, that God answered my prayers for clarity by means of a podcast and the details of the external circumstances are now finding resolution. Once again in my life, I’ve been brought back to the basic truth and my most firm foundation in Christ. Love over all, in all situations, for all people is what my heart knows above all else. Christ’s life and words interpret everything, including the difficult parts of the Bible that don’t make sense, and guide my choices everyday, in all things.
That doesn’t mean all choices are easy, nor does it mean that my choices make sense to others, but ultimately, God’s opinions of me are all that matter to me. I am at peace in Him.
So, I missed posting yesterday, Saturday. It’s been a full weekend, though, and maybe I should only do one post on busy weekends.
I’m so thankful for favorite things. My favorite color is green, with purple running a very close second. Green captures my eye without fail, pretty much any shade of it except for minty seafoam green. I’m glad for green in this world. Thank you God!
Coke and Dr. Pepper are my favorite drinks, after water. I thank the Lord for clean water to drink. I’d be lost without it, and my kidneys would have produced more stones and I would have had a lot more pain and medical bills.
Sunrises and sunsets, fall and spring, regions where there are 4 seasons, white Christmases, noticing when the forsythia blooms, squirrels running around my yard and birds eating from the feeder all winter long, the beach and ocean water, being in the waves, walking through the woods after a rain in the fall, finding wildflowers in the spring and remembering their names, quiet times for solitude, the laughter of children running around my home, hugs (especially from friends who hug tight and hang on long), times when my whole family is together, WV hills…all favorites for which I am so grateful to God for being blessed with in my life.
I’ve been thinking on the idea of living sacramentally in each moment of life, all the big and little happenings each day. As a part of my focus, I’ve been using a book each morning called Every Moment Holy, given to me by such a dear and precious soul in my life, the daughter of some of our best friends.
I consider her gifting this to me as a holy moment and reading it each morning is only increasing my joy in the thought of it. What does it mean to learn to live in such a way that every little instance of life is approached as sacred ? I’m beginning to see more through our Father’s eyes in this process, and the way I’m finding to move forward involves allowing a pause to flutter into my mind that challenges me to be aware of God’s presence at every turn.
This, in turn, causes me to try to perceive each moment with God present and believing that whatever is happening is precious and priceless in some way because the love of God is wrapped up as a part of it. The good and the bad, the ups and downs, each moment filled with God is sacred, set apart, to be honored as holy no matter what is occurring in that point in time.
Trying to conceive of this perspective is not always easy, and it is beyond the idea of practicing being present in the present. It’s a journey and I think I’m just at the start of it, but I do believe it will be so incredibly worth it.
The last several years I’ve gone on Dayspring.com at the end of the year and taken their quiz to determine a word for my new year. The questions asked are centered around spiritual concepts, so it feels more Spirit directed to me than other types I’ve seen.
In 2023, my word was Freedom. I was anticipatory of how that might play out in my life, though I found myself questioning it after our basement flooded in March 😏.
As the year progressed, and we recovered from the flood, with some insurance coverage, I was able to see how God used even that situation to help us move forward with getting our basement painted and new flooring. That was a small sense of freedom.
I was also experiencing new found freedom in weight loss that I had been trying to find since I turned 50 (but had several life circumstances cause setbacks). My type 2 diabetes medication change to Mounjaro facilitated feelings of freedom in that realm and pushed me forward to meet my goal of losing 50 lbs by October (and now it’s 60 ☺️). This process also helped me gain an understanding about myself and food cravings that set me free from a lifetime of self shaming and judgement from others.
Becoming a grandparent also set free a love in my heart that I had never expected, even when so many had said there’s nothing like being a grandparent. I still can’t truly describe it or fully comprehend it. I guess it’s a love that only a grandparent can know and it’s made my heart so full and freer than it was before.
Towards the end of the year, I felt a release in me that said it was okay to find another job, and what hadn’t been apparent for a very long time became clear. I wanted to return to working in higher education. When an opening came up in December at Wright State for an academic advisor, I applied. They called me in for an interview, and I start my job there on 2/5. This change not only represents Freedom but also my word for 2024, which is Celebrate.
Additionally, I’m celebrating a greater realization of my own life calling and awareness of how I want to live that out. The last year brought me to a deeper confidence in who I am in Christ and God’s purposes for me, a contentment with living out that purpose through my role in my family, my friendships, potential private coaching and spiritual retreats, and hopefully opening our home as a respite for those in need of time to have some rest and refuge.
A year of new freedoms has brought me to a year that is made to celebrate. My hopes for 2024 are centered around these thoughts, focused on positive ideas and joyful moments, looking for all the good the Spirit brings each day and being grateful to God for all that my journey with Jesus brings into my life. Yes, there’s still tough stuff in this world, and no one knows what each day will bring, but my eyes and heart are looking with optimistic realism at everything everywhere all around me and allowing peace to keep me in whatever storms may come.
Fall is over, for the most part. The leaves have mostly made it to the ground, and the temperatures have turned into winter, even though winter doesn’t technically begin for about 3 more weeks.
In my life, this time of year also brings the ending of birthday season in our family. From September 24 to November 21, we have 7 birthdays in my immediate little family, plus about 10 in the next layer out of siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. It goes without saying that fall is extremely busy in my life, and it always has been, yet, it’s my favorite time of the year.
Fall ends at the close of Thanksgiving weekend, in my heart and mind, as the culmination of all that fall represents is the crux of Thanksgiving time for me. The contemplation of all that I have for which to be thankful is enriched throughout those days of September, October and November. Walks in the woods, attending apple picking and pumpkin farms, celebrating all those lives on their birthdays come together in a huge heart for gratitude as family gather in to cook, eat, clean, and visit together on Thanksgiving Day.
This year, Autumn was also filled with milestones for my first granddaughter. Watching her grow and learn has enthralled me and poured into my heart all the more thankfulness. We also had difficult days this season, as we watched one of our dearest loved ones traverse the unexpected loss of his mom, and then as our son and daughter-in-law moved 7 hours away. Amidst the mountaintop memories we made doing all the family fun things, including the wedding of my cousin’s son, we experienced the valleys of sorrow, sadness, and loss.
Yet, as I reflect today, before putting up our Christmas tree tonight, I’m reminded that this is what truly living is all about – the high highs and the low lows. If “the glory of God is man fully alive”, as St Irenaeus is quoted to say (albeit that this is called into question as to its authenticity), then I can say for certain that I have felt very alive this fall, and for that my heart again wells with appreciation and gratefulness. At 56 years old, I’m well aware that the blessing of growing old is not something that everyone experiences, and I am growing ever more aware of that blessing with each passing season. It is this awareness that brings me to say that I see God’s glory in all of my ups and downs this fall, and for all of this, I am most thankful.
Thank you God for a glorious, golden autumn filled with all that life has to offer!
I never anticipated what a change would occur in my life when my first grandchild was born. Two months ago today, my mind and heart were opened in very unexpected and wonderful ways.
I was never one who felt I had to become a grandparent. I’ve always cheered on my children and encouraged them to pursue God’s best for them as individuals, whether that meant they would marry or stay single, live close or far away, get college degrees or become volunteers for a nonprofit or start their own company, and of course, having children themselves is their choice and I never felt a need to prod them to have babies. Regardless, when our daughter shared that she was pregnant in June of last year, we were happy for her because it’s what she and her husband desired and felt was right for them to do.
My excitement grew slowly, maybe even reservedly, as my daughter’s pregnancy progressed. Her health and wellness was utmost in my mind, along with supporting their little growing family however we could. Yet, as the day for little Wren’s birth approached, the anticipation multiplied for all our West family members.
Being asked to participate in the labor and delivery process was a precious honor for me. My mom was there for me when I delivered my firstborn, and it made such a difference to have her there. I was thrilled to be able to do this for my baby girl, as well.
Sweet baby Wren arrived after 13-15 hours of labor for my daughter. We were all so exhausted, but what joy flooded my soul in the moments following her birth. Everyday since then truly has been different.
I can’t actually explain the change, but I know it has happened. I grew up in new ways, and so did my baby girl and her husband, and I’ve watched my husband change too. How can such a small 7lb. 11oz creature make such a ginormous difference in all of our lives?!?!
I thank God for little Wren, for her health and all the ways she is growing and changing each day, and mostly, I’m so very grateful to be a part of her life and a witness to watching her parents become her mom and dad.
It’s been a difficult winter. Surprisingly, this hasn’t been due to the weather. There was sickness in early January, and mid-January brought my sister’s rapid decline and passing. It felt like a roller coaster that week because my daughter’s baby shower was only 3 days after my sister left this life. This then flowed into some frustrations with trying to plan a trip to Spain to see my son and daughter-in-law (my husband not getting his passport back so we could book flights) mixed with concerns for this same son and his wife as they faced challenges in Spain. Also, the package I mailed the first week of January, for my daughter-in-law’s birthday, had never made it to them. The retreat I was supposed to host the first of March had to be canceled due to the retreat center closure, and I’m still waiting on my refund. Then, my sister’s memorial service was mid-February and was the usual mixture of joy and sadness as we celebrated her life, visited with so many family, but said goodbye to her.
March came and our expectancy for our new, and first, grandchild was growing exponentially, then the rains came torrentially. March 3 our basement flooded because our sump pump failed. This felt very traumatic since we house so many of our 3 kids and the 2 spouses’ worldly possessions, and also because we had never experienced anything like this. All the carpet had to be torn out of the finished part, along with baseboards, and so many things had to be moved. Our daughter helped a bit but she was 37 weeks pregnant; our son-in-law was the MVP with all of the things flood recovery related. Taylor, our oldest came down from Columbus and helped tremendously, even having a church friend of his come down to help. Other friends of our kids came as well and we had calls of advice from family that had walked that road before us. There was so much to do, and we are still on that journey, having just painted and awaiting new flooring and baseboards in the next week. Even last night we had another scare when the newly installed sump pump sounded an alarm signaling it wasn’t working. Our amazing, and very tired , son-in-law came over at like 5am to help my husband tighten the pipe fittings that hadn’t been secured enough when they put it in yesterday.
The key to that last sentence can be found in the “very tired” comment about my son-in-law. Why you may ask? Well, my daughter, his wife, had their sweet baby 10 days ago. They are figuring it all out beautifully, as much as parents can in those first couple of weeks, hence, they are tired. Yet, they still came to help us yesterday, and of course, in the middle of the night!! My daughter had a bit of a nap while here so I had the chance to hold my precious granddaughter again. What a joy!
You see, I’m not one who ever thought she absolutely had to be a grandparent. I’ve told my kids that I support them no matter what, marriage or not, them having kids or not, it’s their lives and I only desire them to follow their purpose and calling. Yet, here she is, this incredible, beautiful, fresh new life, and I’m in love with her! God has blessed our family with this amazing creation, and I had no idea that this part of my identity needed to be awoken, but God knew. He also knew that she would help jump start my own meaning, purpose and calling, to keep me pushing forward with new purpose to finish writing my book, to make wise choices for my own self-care, to motivate me to remain present and available for others in my life, especially for those God has entrusted to me to love for all their lives.
So, it’s Spring now, and I’m watching all the green and the flowers awaken, and my heart has once again been stirred as well, and I’m so very thankful and filled with hope! “I know that my Redeemer lives and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. I myself will see Him with my own eyes – How my heart years within me!” (Job 19:25 and 27) “The great Easter truth is not that we are to live newly after death – that is not the great thing – but that we are to be new here and now by the power of the resurrection…” (Brooks) “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God…” (2Corinthians 5:17-18) “Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs…For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” (Psalm 100:2 and 5)
I don’t want to leave out the person who has walked this journey of life with me the longest, through hills and valleys, in sicknesses and somewhat healthy times 😉, through thick and thin (literally…). I’m grateful for Tom for all these years we’ve done life together, feeling our way blindly in the dark at times and having a lot of laughs and fun along the way. 🧡
PIECES 